Just Keep Swimming....

 

I recently read a book where they often referenced the famous quote "just keep swimming" from the movie "Finding Nemo". Lately that's been a phrase I keep saying to myself. "Krista, just keep swimming, don't give up, keep moving your body, don't give in to the pain, the exhaustion, the hurt, the worry - all the things that make me feel like I could easily drown at a moment's notice."

Just. Keep. Swimming.

Over the last few weeks life has throw some pretty big curveballs our way that we weren't quite expecting and when you're not expecting it, then you're often hit and it hurts.

Three weeks ago I went in for breast surgery. This recent health concern has been a whirlwind that had knocked me off my feet a bit.

Just after fair week I had my routine breast MRI that came back with good results; that same day I found a large lump in my left breast. I mentioned it to my doctor who decided it was best for me to be referred to a surgeon. When the surgeons office called they let me know they were booked out for months, but wanted to review my results. The next day they called and said they wanted to see me as soon as possible. I got scheduled the 1st available appointment, met with the surgeon and within 30 minutes was scheduled for surgery the following week.

I went in for surgery to remove the large mass and she saw 4 more cysts that should could easily remove so she took those out as well and it was all sent in for testing. At that point all signs pointed to no cancer, but the surgeon wanted to get everything out asap and ensure that was the case.  

While it all happened so fast, I’m beyond grateful for how quickly every doctor has been in ensuring I’m getting the best care possible. 

Last week I met with the surgeon who let me know that everything came back negative and I couldn't be more thankful. I just have to keep up on my scans. 

However, I still felt as if I were on the verge of drowning. 

Just a couple days before my surgery we walked through a situation that brought my already increasing anxiety to a new level. I was stressed about my surgery and all that went along with it and then stressed about a new situation that took us by surprise. All while knowing that God was fully in it and guiding each step, I still struggled deeply over the last couple of weeks.

I got great news about my surgery, we were seeing how God's hand had led us to the moments we were in, we were seeing God move and provide in ways that we hadn't expected - yet I still couldn't get my head and my heart to push through the heavy clouds weighing me down.

I had to resolve in the fact that no matter what we were facing, I had to process it all. The good, the heartfelt, the intentional, the gratitude, the ugly, the hurt, the frustration, the betrayal, the stress, the worry; every single emotion I had to feel and there were A LOT of emotions over the last couple weeks.

So much so that I felt crippled. I wanted so much to take time to rest my heart and lean back against the Father. I wanted to worship without expectations. I wanted my prayer time to be intentional and beautiful. However, every time I tried to step into those intimate spaces with the Lord I struggled. I was declaring goodness over me and my family while working through everything as best as I could, or so I thought.

One day last week I looked in the mirror to see just how much my mental exhaustion was playing a part in my physical appearance. It was beginning to be too much. "Just keep swimming Krista - you will get through this."

Surrounded by an incredible community of prayer warriors, I knew it was the prayers of dear friends that were sustaining us through the last couple weeks. When we struggled to carry ourselves, our friends were coming alongside us and carrying us. 

Knowing it was time to put on my armor and fight against the enemy's plan, I took a moment to ask the Lord to help me see each thing I was carrying through His eyes. In just a few moments I felt the brokenness of the Holy Spirit as He showed me that while my surgery resulted in a great news, I was not ok with everything I went through. I was tucking those emotions away without fully realizing it so that I could focus on the other situations we're walking through.

Listen, I know I'm very lucky. I know that cancer isn't part of my story, but can I tell you how hard it's been to look in the mirror daily and see that a large part of one of my breasts is missing. All that's left is a big ugly scar that leaves me feeling even more insecure than I already was. I don't know why it's shaken me so much, but it has. I know in time I will heal mentally and physically. I'll be grateful for this particular part of my journey, but for now, I'm not and that's ok. No more ignoring it, but I won't sit in the ick of it either.

Having that moment with the Holy Spirit gave me strength to see through the heavy clouds and to begin to feel the peace I was proclaiming over our lives. Joy began to return when I didn't realize how much of it was gone. Excitement to step into moments with Jesus returned. The ability to open up my mouth and actually sing worship to the Father returned. Anticipation for His will for the future was finally starting to take place.

A friend of mine told me the other day that a study shows that it takes approximately 2 weeks to process heavy, hard, and traumatic things before you're able to begin the process towards restoration and healing of whatever situation it is. That hit home.

As much as our family is still walking through, we have decided that no matter what, we're putting our faith in the Father and fighting for peace over our hearts and minds. Surrendering and fully trusting Him with everything we’ve got and let me be transparent, trust has been VERY hard these days. 

I know His plans are perfect, I know He only has good things for us, yet the storms we’re currently in make it hard to see through the rain at times. That’s the beauty of Jesus though. It doesn’t matter how hard it feels, He’s still right there holding us close and equipping us for each battle. He loves us so deeply and that's enough for each day.

Psalm 63:1-5 I’ve been repeating lately these days. As chaos surrounds me and I become weary - I remember just how good our Father is and how worthy He is of every ounce of praise within me. No matter the trial, no matter the triumph - all glory is His.

xoxo,

Krista