OB/GYN Doctor: “You’re at high risk for breast cancer, we’d like you to have an MRI in June because the mammogram and the ultrasound you had can’t really detect the cancer due to your dense tissue. In the meantime, reduce sugars, reduce alcohol consumption and exercise.”
Family Doctor: “You have high cholesterol and because you have Factor V you need a heart scan in July. In the meantime, reduce stress and exercise.”
Orthopedic Doctor: “Just a reminder you have Spina Bifida and exercising is really hard on your body especially your feet. I’d like you to try to reduce the impact on your feet as much as possible.”
I’ve been in my head about exercising, realizing it’s key to surviving to some very serious health concerns and then yesterday hearing how exercise isn’t the best on my body, well, I almost spiraled.
Since January I’ve taken each piece of news about my health as best as possible. I’ve taken steps to better my physical health while struggling with my mental health. The reality is that I’ve been angry and scared. I’ve had some really hard conversations with Jesus. Some that have been really ugly yet He’s so gracious.
Instead of spiraling, I had a choice. I could either choose to lose my mind over it all or choose to grab hold of the shred of joy I felt in that moment, while understanding that joy was from the Father. So, I got in my car, opened the sunroof, lifted my eyes to Heaven and said “thank you for the sunshine today Father”. I wanted to cry, I wanted to be angry, I wanted to ask why, I want to yell at Him, but the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart a couple weeks ago and reminded me that He’s not done with me yet. He reminded me that I’m His warrior and warriors are brave. He also reminded me that no matter how hard I try to control all of these variables in my life, doing it without Him will only continue to lead me to this place of mental chaos.
As I still struggled to fight off the fear and anger, I asked Him to take me back to the last peaceful moment I had where He was sitting with me. He took me to a moment on Easter where I was sitting on a dear friend’s porch by myself breathing in the fresh air after I had just got done holding her precious newborn miracle. A moment that He promised I’d someday have, a moment where I’d see a miracle happen for the people I love, a moment where His promises were fulfilled, a moment that I’d hang on to as a reminder that He never stops doing miracles. I remember feeling such peace in that moment that I even took a picture so that I’d never forget how close the Father is to me, how much He loves me, and how He incredibly good He is.
Friends, I know it’s so easy to go down the trail of frustration when things don’t go the way we think they should, whether it be health or just life circumstances in general. The growing lessons I’ve had lately have shown me that choosing to trust Him through my fear, anger, and frustration brings curative moments. Moments that I’ve been able to look back to see where He’s healed and restored me before, while knowing He’ll do it again.
Today my prayer for you is that you remember just how much He loves you and how good He truly is. While the world around us spirals out of control and evil seems so engulfing, we have this beautiful strength within us that gives us power to move through the ick and rest on the other side of it knowing He’s right there, every step of each journey and trial. Hold tight to your shield of faith and raise the sword of the Spirit with confidence. The battle belongs to Him dear warriors, lets stand firm with bravery.